Year In Review

2009 was a foundation year. Nothing glorious about basements and beams, but since I've been living in primordial ooze for the last ten years, it was quite the step up!

So what have I been doing?

Well, the rise and fall of the waist size. The latter is being accomplished by two things: working with the French Paradox (small portions of traditional foods + reasonable wine consumption = better circulation and less weight) and sheer laziness (but the pantry's twenty more steps!). And walking. Actually, not even walking. More like a stroll...

Slowing down. After the emboli and the accompanying issues, I entered into a state of panic. My life expectancy had become uncertain (yes, I can still buy a full carton of eggs, but what of that retirement plan?) and I started trying to cram everything in NOW since I have no guarantees. Unfortunately, I became sicker and exhausted to the point of being completely dysfunctional. Kind of ridiculous, huh? Priorities and choices - don't have it all figured out yet, but determining there is a problem in need of solutions is half the battle.

Enter the "Projecting" database! My head is a very cluttered place, and my only way to organize thoughts is to get them out. This nifty little thing keeps track of my hopes and dreams and most importantly, my progress in achieving them. Fun stuff!

Building. My community and legacy. Never too early for this.

Oh, and then the painting! And writing!

So it's been a year of behind-the-scenes work. But it's been a year of honest-to-God work, the likes of which had not been seen in about a decade.

Amazing!

Watch this space!

Computing capabilities have been restored. Huzzah!

I look forward to sharing my adventures with you.

Merry Christmastide to all!

4. I'm Just a Teenage Dirtbag, Baby.

I've been loving this change in the weather and especially turning the clocks back. The sun is already high in the sky when I'm leaving for work, brightly illuminating everything without blinding.

It's a tacit contract I have with the radio stations that on Friday at least one of them must be playing a high-energy, upbeat song at all times on my way to work. They generally comply. Today's song was a "classic" from college days - Wheatus' Teenage Dirtbag.

Driving along 23, I was thinking that while I would pay *you* money to go back to the college years, the same couldn't be said for high school. Or even grade school. Why is this?

Well, I know you'll be floored, but I was a huge loser! Nerdiest girl in the world!

"But Laura, this is still the case. Those shoes, those glasses, THAT HAIR! And let's not even get started on the questionable practice of yoga pants to work in lieu of dress slacks. What's next, trashbags?"

Possibly.

But, this is not about my love for comfortable and versatile clothing. No, this is about many perceiving themselves as "less than" due to others' requirements and their failure to meet them.

I spent YEARS trying to be a "greater" version of myself - trying to overcome my nerdiness by throwing myself into life of the party mode - the crazy lush with the best stories. The girl who was "above" being a wife and mother. I spent so much time trying to construct this identity that I completely lost myself and made others miserable in the process.

When it all came crashing down, I didn't even know which pieces to pick up because I really was that out of touch.

If you've trapped yourself in a similar way, I encourage you to do the following. Think back to the person you were at six - old enough to know some basic things, but young enough to still have your own pure instincts. Who is that person?

A reader? A climber? A Lego-builder?
Do you like outdoors or indoors?
What are your hobbies?
What do you like about yourself?
What do you like about others?
What influences and inspires you?
What books should I read?

And so on. Just have a lengthy conversation with your younger self, and I believe you will find yourself returning to your more authentic self. Returning to interview my late-80s self has been an invaluable experiment.

And no, I didn't bring you back any slap bracelets. Some things are best left buried under the sands of time.

3. All you need is love

One of the most popular readings for a wedding is from 1 Corinthians 13. I first discovered this text in high school, and immediately compared my boyfriend at the time to the ideals presented:

4Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.
5It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
7It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
8Love never fails.
(text taken from the New International Version at Bible Gateway)

Needless to say, he didn't match up. But then again, neither do we.

I was thinking about my beloved Eastlands this afternoon - a very earthy, utilitarian sort of shoe. The fashion-conscious among us greatly disapprove of their incorporation in my daily wardrobe. And then I started to think about the one person who honestly wouldn't care if I wore them to a wedding - my husband.

I often say: if you've seen the show House, you've met my husband. Let me just say you can strike most of verses 4-5 right now.

I often forget the second part. The rejection of evil and quest for the truth. Protection and perseverance. For all his flaws, he is the most steadfastly loyal person I have ever met.

The key is to go forward in love with the best of intentions and the best of ability.

Love never fails.

...and we're back!

Hello Gentle Readers,

The 95 Theses project has NOT been sent to Abandoned Projectland. My lappytop's screen has ceased to function. My son has benevolently lent me his laptop, though I am now forced to watch excessive amounts of TeenNick while typing. I will be spending the next week catching up on these posts and NaNoWriMo. (!)

Stay tuned...

2. As ever-evolving children, we will have dramatically different views as to what this means.

It's amazing that people relate at all given the diversity of experiences. Even children in the same family!

I was at my church's All Saints Day service, where I heard the names of eleven congregation members and two family members that died in the last year. It hurt, especially since my family members passed in such a short time that I really didn't get a chance to get used to the idea of them being gone. I was thinking about my friends celebrating Samhain this weekend, and how they were also recognizing their dead. The wall between Christianity and Paganism has always saddened me - we have so much to learn from one another!

I was baptized Catholic at three weeks old, confirmed at twelve. Since then, I've been an Agnostic, Pagan, Unitarian, and most recently, Lutheran. All of these different paths of faith have led me to invaluable realizations about myself, others, earth, life, and the nature of God.

As a Catholic, I learned about prayer, benevolence and persistence.
As an Agnostic, I learned to think and question.
As a Pagan, I learned respect for the Earth and its rhythms, as well as my fellow creatures.
As a Unitarian, I learned about other cultures and uniting themes within humanity.
As a Lutheran, I am learning about all of the above, plus singing. Lots of singing! ;-)

And that's just one person!

It is such a shame that divisions are encouraged and that people fear learning from their brothers and sisters. We all bring something to the table.

The Spirit of God moves in so many different ways.

1. We are all children of God - it is the greatest burden and entitlement we will ever know.

Close your eyes and think about a higher power (termed "God" for simplicity). Your theology, your personal revelations, your life experiences.

As these are flickering beneath your eyelids, then turn to think about the popular conceptions of God: the angry man looking to smite evil-doers with a lightening bolt, the caricature of Monty Python peeking out disapprovingly from the garishly back-lit clouds, the Gandalf-esque white wizard pushing back forces so that those in peril are not harmed.

Then, after these images have passed, think about how many view God. The source behind torture of fellow humans in name of "religions", the inspiration of the ignorant book-burners, the one who enables little children to die amongst widespread destruction. Think of the popular images of the apocalypse. Think of them happening now - in far-off lands and as close as a house in your neighborhood.

All of these lines of experiences are simultaneous.

Help!

Reformation Day

I am on the verge of a breakdown as you read this. The stress of a job I hate, a lifestyle I don't want, pursuing goals daily I don't inwardly espouse. I am either a hypocrite or a "real adult" - your choice.

Much like a church five centuries ago, I am broken, bloated, corrupted, and in desperate need of reform.

I am playing by the wrong set of rules.

Over the next 95 days, I will be examining 95 separate ideas with the ultimate goal of personal reformation for the good of all.

Sink or Swim

I haven't been doing too well this summer on taking a break for the Sabbath, which is definitely rendering me way ineffective during the week. So, following my own advice, I made certain to take Joey to the pool Sunday afternoon. We love it there!

He has been bugging me to take the Swim Test for months. He is a good swimmer, but I wasn't too certain that he could pass: swimming a lap, floating on his back, treading water in the deep end for a minute. My skinny little guppy? Who'd just started putting his head in the water this season? I really wasn't expecting much. But, knowing that he had people there to support him, I encouraged him to try.

I stood there by the pool where he successfully gained a yellow band - allowing him independent swimming privileges in safer parts of the pool. Then they allowed him to take the test for the oh-so-coveted green band, which allow him to go diving and sliding into deep water. The kids with their brand new yellow bands gleefully skipped over to take the second part of the test.

The other parents swarmed in, a bit too over-enthusiastic in rooting on their children. A bit distracting I found. I stood in watch, ready to jump in if I began to see my little one struggle.

But he didn't.

As the other children began to sink down or reach for the wall, my little guppy persevered with great strength and consistency. I was in awe! As the countdown for the last ten seconds began, I looked for him to tire as all but one other had. But he didn't!

By giving him room to achieve his goal, the win was all that much sweeter. Some children are raised with high expectations, and some with lower ones. Many of both groups have struggled to keep their heads above water as adults. So which set of expectations should I use for my child? I'm starting to see the answer is somewhere in between: love them, encourage them to pursue their goals, keep expectations reasonable and give them the space to grow.

Celebrate the Sabbath, Celebrate Life

The journey into relaxtion was quite surprisingly arduous - 8am found me nearly sleeping at the wheel on the drive to Church, planning something fun entailed a number of phone calls and conflicting schedules, and involved carrying a flailing boy to the car. Becoming more irritable by the minute, I was *this close* to giving up and going home to "Mt. Washmore". Some break!

I stayed the course. Arriving at the park and taking the cantankerous boy out of his carseat, my father and I started along the trails. In about two minutes, the child that "didn't want to go to this stupid park" went zooming down the trail: "I LOVE this place!". For the next hour and a half, we ascended and descended the various trails: walking along a creek bed, catching glimpses of chipmunks, and seeking a doe with her two children. This was a truly restorative place, despite the physical exhaustion. When it was time to leave, my son was crestfallen that he'd have to leave. We can't wait to return!

May God bless and give you peace and strength this week!

Ideas Worth Keeping

One of the best ideas I discovered for keeping track of those fleeting thoughts and dreams was one of Barbara Sher's - The Scanner's Daybook.

This daybook is not a mere journal or somewhere just to quickly blot stuff down, but it is somewhere to take those napkin thoughts and more fully develop them. I've had mine for over two years, and it's amazing to see the evolution of those ideas throughout time. Some things have been fully accomplished, others in a transitional state, and yet others are adventures still to be embarked upon.

Along with current entries, I will be interspersing some musings from my daybook. I find the daybook a great place to be alone with my thoughts, but then I discover some thoughts that aren't meant to be left alone.

Full of Won't

My job has become increasingly stressful, due to the lack of work and intensely negative attitudes. I've been trying to keep a positive attitude, but unfortunately have fallen into quite a rut. Overconsumption (my poor waistline!) and oversleeping.

I've truly gotten to the point where I can't do this anymore (which is good) but am too emotionally weak to seek out viable alternatives (bad, very bad).

This morning found me hiding under my pillow, paralyzed by fear, running late again. My son kept calling out to me, "Mom, GET UP! You are going to be late again."

"But I can't. I can't do it. I don't have the will anymore. I'm full of won't!"

Well, I did get up, got my son ready, and got out the door (late). Toxic attitude still present and accounted for. Work miserable as ever, I went outside to breathe, hoping that real air might do me some good. Laying back in my car, trying to disperse this pervasive sense of doom, I realized:

Won't is not "can't". It's also not "shouldn't". It's simply a refusal. I've been saying no to a better life for quite some time and didn't even realize it.

Thank you, God, for the crack in the wall I begged for this morning!

The Biz

Yesterday, I briefly touched upon the concept of going into business myself. My long-term goal is to be a SAHM with supplementary income coming from my creative endeavors. Last year, I began to explore paper crafts (specifically bookmaking) followed by a journey into quilting. I've discovered through the years that I am more of an artisan rather than an artist, which I guess makes sense considering my graphic design background.

I'm still thinking of an inspirational place where people can come and purchase fairly-priced, high-quality items. Things that would enhance lives and surroundings rather than take up space.

One word for the future, kid. Fabrics.

As I get into quilting, I'm coming to realize "Hey, I can sew!"

What does this mean? In the short term, that I can decrease my reliance on big box stores for items that neither fit or flatter. I can control my clothing choices if I take the initiative.

Then thinking about my initiative (and the complete and total lack thereof) I began to think about how this acceptance of "take whatever is best from the big box" mindset has come to dominate my life - certainly since college, possibly since the beginning. Oh sure, I SEE other choices scattered about and even ruminate about them, but in the end, they get tossed back into the "To Do At Some Later Point When Life Is Ideal" pile. Then I go back to the big box of things that I do not like and that do not fit and begin to futily rummage again.

Well, maybe the time IS now. If I can fit in quilting - with all its scraps, details, and complexities - why not start working on the business? Why NOT start creating the life I wish to have?

Why be afraid of failure? I fail every day when I show up at this worthless job. When I give into mediocrity. When I fall into bitterness, self-hatred, and despair. Wouldn't it be better, as Joyce Meyer said, to stumble and "fail forward" than to simply fail? I would certainly learn more for the journey. Baby steps along the right path...

I can control my destiny if I just take the initiative!