Full of Won't

My job has become increasingly stressful, due to the lack of work and intensely negative attitudes. I've been trying to keep a positive attitude, but unfortunately have fallen into quite a rut. Overconsumption (my poor waistline!) and oversleeping.

I've truly gotten to the point where I can't do this anymore (which is good) but am too emotionally weak to seek out viable alternatives (bad, very bad).

This morning found me hiding under my pillow, paralyzed by fear, running late again. My son kept calling out to me, "Mom, GET UP! You are going to be late again."

"But I can't. I can't do it. I don't have the will anymore. I'm full of won't!"

Well, I did get up, got my son ready, and got out the door (late). Toxic attitude still present and accounted for. Work miserable as ever, I went outside to breathe, hoping that real air might do me some good. Laying back in my car, trying to disperse this pervasive sense of doom, I realized:

Won't is not "can't". It's also not "shouldn't". It's simply a refusal. I've been saying no to a better life for quite some time and didn't even realize it.

Thank you, God, for the crack in the wall I begged for this morning!

The Biz

Yesterday, I briefly touched upon the concept of going into business myself. My long-term goal is to be a SAHM with supplementary income coming from my creative endeavors. Last year, I began to explore paper crafts (specifically bookmaking) followed by a journey into quilting. I've discovered through the years that I am more of an artisan rather than an artist, which I guess makes sense considering my graphic design background.

I'm still thinking of an inspirational place where people can come and purchase fairly-priced, high-quality items. Things that would enhance lives and surroundings rather than take up space.

One word for the future, kid. Fabrics.

As I get into quilting, I'm coming to realize "Hey, I can sew!"

What does this mean? In the short term, that I can decrease my reliance on big box stores for items that neither fit or flatter. I can control my clothing choices if I take the initiative.

Then thinking about my initiative (and the complete and total lack thereof) I began to think about how this acceptance of "take whatever is best from the big box" mindset has come to dominate my life - certainly since college, possibly since the beginning. Oh sure, I SEE other choices scattered about and even ruminate about them, but in the end, they get tossed back into the "To Do At Some Later Point When Life Is Ideal" pile. Then I go back to the big box of things that I do not like and that do not fit and begin to futily rummage again.

Well, maybe the time IS now. If I can fit in quilting - with all its scraps, details, and complexities - why not start working on the business? Why NOT start creating the life I wish to have?

Why be afraid of failure? I fail every day when I show up at this worthless job. When I give into mediocrity. When I fall into bitterness, self-hatred, and despair. Wouldn't it be better, as Joyce Meyer said, to stumble and "fail forward" than to simply fail? I would certainly learn more for the journey. Baby steps along the right path...

I can control my destiny if I just take the initiative!